*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
You Might Also Like
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg