“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Duck typos.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.