A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.