My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Dead sexy!!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Your secret is safeish with me
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits