Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*