That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes