It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.