Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Sign of the day..
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…