me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me recordaron éste meme
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.