FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.