I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Merica.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you