Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
yeet
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning