Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.