7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I have no passwords left in me
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The Birdles
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”