Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –