sounds kinky. i’m in.
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*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.