Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”