I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Dietest Coke
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”