It was worth a shot 😂
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.