My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Love is always patient and kind.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Friday night party time 🥳
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.