Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.