WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Always the camel, never the toe.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.