Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?