Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Simple enough.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*