I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?