Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political