‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
time for some seasonal decor
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.