For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
You Might Also Like
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too