My Guy
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
✌️
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know