My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am