Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster