Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Wait a second…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
fourth time’s the charm
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.