friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
These 3D printers are insane!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Autocarrot sucks!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!