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“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Challenge accepted.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back