Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Only Americans understand
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
is this how new cars are made??
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys