ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.