My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please