Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.