there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You Might Also Like
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.