Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.