Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence