Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
as is their right
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election