There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Dammit Chief not again
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
tinder is all about the long game
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex