Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
You Might Also Like
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”