[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
You Might Also Like
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
You got this…
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.