Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.