When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Facebook memories be like
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.