professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.