[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
giddy up Office Depot
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”