I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
You Might Also Like
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.